I have realized that this whole goal of mine (doing, and being competitive, in a figure competition) has officially taken over my life. One of my goals before starting this was to try to maintain my "normal" social life and continue on with life as I knew it. FAIL. I have realized that this goal is impossible because I basically have a new life(style) and with that comes many new things.
For those of you who know me well, you know that I hate and despise change and everything that it entails. I am a routine person and could do the same thing every day at the same time in the same way. I'm one of those people that is OK sitting on the couch all day. I don't need to be completing chores or tasks. I'm OK with just "being" as long as no one asks me to change. I have quickly realized that I am undertaking one of the biggest changes I have gone through in my adult life. I have changed physically, mentally, socially, emotionally, and I'm not sure how I feel about all this change.
Physically, I've lost 18.5 pounds and at least 1 to2 dress sizes (4 or 6 to a 0 or 2). I've gone from a 34 full C cup to a 32 B cup (why do the good things always go first?!?). I've had to buy a lot of new clothes and/or been spotted in a lot of elastic pants. I'm OK with this though. ME LOVES ELASTIC!
Mentally and emotionally, I'm a bit of a mess, honestly. I'm having a really hard time deciding if all of the sacrifices are worth it. Most of the sacrifices deal with not being able to eat/drink at fun events (why does it seem like eating and drinking [alcohol] make events significantly better?! Is that problematic?!) When I take a drive through Negative Town, these are the thoughts that run through my head: why am I giving up so much for 1 competition? Are all of the sacrifices worth what I'm missing out on? Am I missing out on things? Am I even going to be competitive with these other women or am I going to make a total fool out of myself.....
Socially, I feel like I don't even really have a life anymore. I am exhausted ALL the time. When I do "go out," which usually means showing up somewhere for about an hour or so sipping on my water bottle, I feel like I'm there, but not really there. I mean, I want to be there and I want to see people and I want to be social. But often, while I am there, all I can think about it how tired/sore/hungry I am and how much I just want to go home and be a recluse. Most people my age are out eating and drinking and staying out until 2am only to do it all over again the next night. I, on the other hand, usually have a protein shake around 8pm and then call it a night. I don't want to be seen as "lame" and I definitely don't want people to think I don't want to be hanging out with them. But, this whole process and lifestyle change has completely and utterly taken over my life. Also, I haven't really met a ton of people who are in this sport, so not many people I know are going through these same changes that I am.
I don't know how to reconcile my "old" life with this "new" life. And I know that I don't really want all of this to just be a phase. I love training and exercising and being fit. Of course, it won't always have to be this rigid and strict, but is my old life gone forever? Is this new lifestyle my real, new life? If so, how do I fit them together?
As I've mentioned before, this is a very lonely sport. I have a lot of time with me, my ipod, and my thoughts. That gets very overwhelming and kinda depressing after awhile. I know I have people who support me and are there to listen to me complain and are there to say the most wonderfully, nice things. And I SO appreciate that. I think it's just hard for me to really be undertaking this whole process by myself. I have to get to the gym early in the morning and later in the evening. I have to eat the way I'm supposed to. I have to push myself each and every time I'm at the gym. I have to *try* and stay positive in my head so that I can continue making progress. I have to do a lot of this on my own.
Other than change, I hate being alone more than anything. So, for the past couple weeks my whole life has changed (because of the new workout plan and stricter diet) and I've spent a TON of time by myself. This makes for a nervous, emotional, doubting, moody (whole post coming about this soon) future figure competitor.
After a long talk with my mom (hi mama!) and Greg (xoxo), I came to the following conclusions and got my head on a little straighter:
*
* change is OK. Change is good, it just takes time and readjusting.
* now I see why the people on the Biggest Loser cry ALL the time (them bitches are hungry, moody, tired, scared...) and why they have to completely revamp their lives when they leave the ranch and go home.
* I have to realize I'm doing the best I can do each day and that's all I can do right now.
* I can't blame my moodiness on PMS for too much longer...
* I will find a balance between my "old" and "new" lives, and the people who support me will be there no matter what.
* I need to find more ladies in the figure/fitness/bodybuilding world who I can get to know and hang out with so I don't feel so alone in all of this. Anybody? Bueller? We can
I know I can do this. I will do this. Thanks for all the kind words, they mean more than you will ever know, especially during this huge lifestyle change!
xoxo
R
Ahhh...your mom and man are right--don't beat yourself up over it! I think all of your feelings are totally valid and it's important to be honest with yourself.
ReplyDeleteI have also had these thoughts when I look at "regulars" in the competitive arena...I wonder how in the hell they do it! It does seem like if they aren't X weeks out from a competition then they are on their "off season" diet and workout plan and even that is intense. I do wonder sometimes, when do they have time to have a life?!
But it seems like once you get into that world it will all eventually sort of become "second nature" and you will have more time to fit in the rest of your life as well. I've read a lot of those girls' blogs, etc. and many have 2 cheat meals a week...so that would give you at least one night to go out to dinner with friends and have a drink or two.
At the same time, it's only natural that your set of friends may change over time if this is really something that is going to become part of your life. I used to get pissed when my friends disappeared off of the face of the earth when they had kids but now I get since I've become a mom--your priorities change so much and friend without kids don't want to hear about how your child crapped on the carpet or dressed themselves for the first time. You will find new people who can relate to you--especially once you start competing.
This is your first comp. and it's still an entirely new world to you--I have faith that it will get better. Hang in there!!
Hey girl. You look awesome! You actually inspire me. I've been thinking about joining the gym and am doing so this week. Hoping the workouts will help with the stress and up my energy level. I'll sip water with you anytime!
ReplyDeleteThanks ladies! I really appreciate the support! Toni, let me know if you need any help with workouts or anything, I'd be glad to help! Let's get together soon! Miss you!!
ReplyDeletehey girl! I love reading your blog and totally understand what you are saying. I did the weight watchers thing 2 years ago and lost 40 pounds, it was the most intense experience of my life, but what got me through it was my weekly meeting that i went to. knowing i had a room of people that i could talk through my highs and lows with was so helpful. there has got to be something like that support out there, heck im sure you could be a leader for the rest of us that want to learn how to be a little more fit! keep it up girl, it really is inspiring! and you look awesome too!
ReplyDelete~Mallory
Hi, I'm pretty much stalking your blog right now... :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post --I feel like I'm reading my own thoughts! I hope that I can too push past the "negative town" that comes along with doing a figure show and one day competing!