Re-evaluating

So...I have lots to share today.  Some discouraging things.  Some encouraging things.  But overall, just a lot.  So grab your cup of coffee (Hi Kristi!) and enjoy the roller coaster that is this training program.

Yesterday, I went and met with my "posing coach."  I was nervous because I didn't want to make a fool out of myself and I didn't know what to expect from this meeting.  Well, let's just say it was a rude awakening and left me in tears.  Let me explain.  The lady was VERY nice.  She was kind, thorough, definitely knew that she was talking about, and honest.  I stood there next to her in little, booty shorts and a sports bra.  Let me just say that anytime you are standing next to a professional fitness competitor, whether clothed or otherwise, it's veeerrrrryyy hard to feel good about yourself.  She was...RIPPED and she was just wearing a t-shirt and jeans.  We went through a couple poses and then I told her that I wanted her to be honest with me and tell me if she really thought I could reach my ultimate goal by April 17th.  In a kind, non-offensive way, she told me that I would benefit from a 12-week training program that would build much more muscle on my body so that when I did the poses, muscles would actually pop out.  She told me I need to be lifting heavy weights 5 times a week and doing less cardio than before...

We only did a few poses and then both realized that reaching my ultimate goal was just not realistic anymore and a talk about a future plan would be more beneficial.  I held back tears as we walked from the exercise room where we were posing (which was about 60 degrees and in plain sight of all the cardio machines in the gym...awk.ward).  We sat down at a table and she basically just reexplained that I would really benefit from this program and then possibly after that, trying a competition preparation training program blah blah blah.  What I heard was...OMG, I just spent 5 weeks starving myself, giving everything to this program, giving up time with my friends, and all to find out that I need WAY more training before even CONSIDERING a competition.  WTF?!

I left the gym more confused that when I entered.  I called my mom crying (hi mama) and then came home to shed a few more tears on Greg's shoulder.  I think the tears came from pure frustration, disappointment, and the realization that, at this point in time, this goal was not attainable.  I also just felt kind of embarrassed--about the whole situation.  Greg and I talked about where to go from here and what to do.  I wanted to eat an entire pizza but I settled for a popsicle while talking.  I knew that I didn't want to give up totally on all of this, but I also knew that starting a 12-week heavy lifting program felt like starting all the way back at square 1...and I was just not yet mentally prepared for that.  I had mentally prepared myself for weeks before starting this whole process 5 weeks ago and to just jump into another program, which had no ending goal (other than being muscular and in shape), seemed nearly impossible at this time.

So, I did what I knew had been building inside me...I ate.  I had some chips and queso, popsicles, popcorn, and baked cheetos.  I also went out to lunch with my girlfriends and had a normal meal (with a few fries :) ).  I felt guilty about eating after being so strict, but I just needed a break from all of this and I didn't want to think about food.  In between snacking, I thought about what I want to do long term and realized that whatever I choose, I need to choose it because it is my goal and my passion, not because of any other reason.  I need to be totally invested and make it as much of a lifestyle as possible--one that it is maintainable in the future.

So this is where I have left it:  I'm giving myself a few days to recuperate (I'm a little wounded :) ).  Then, I'm going to pick myself up and continue with my goals...new goals.  I'm going to try a heavy lifting program with Greg, less cardio, and a less strict diet, and see where I am muscle-wise in about 12 weeks.  From there, I will have to reevaluate again and set some new goals.  I will possibly start training for a competition (another 12 week program) or I will just continue with my lifting program...I can't think that far ahead right now.  At this point I'm just hoping for a bangin' beach body.

I've also decided I want another hobby that gives me an escape from work and a break from the gym.  So far I've thought of: swimming in a masters swim program, volunteering at either a food bank/shelter or a breast cancer awareness place, book club...any other ideas??  Help me dear, blog readers.

That's all I've got for now.  I'm probs going to go eat a popsicle, finish reading Dear John (SO good!), and watch some TV since we're never getting out of snowpocolypse 2010.  Any encouragement and hobby ideas are more than welcome :)

xoxo